Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Weds-Day: Flunking Pre-Cana

Today, I had a realization. 

I'm getting married. In like ... less than 300 days. 

If you think I don't know that this sounds bizarre, that's not true. I know. I know it sounds bizarre. And it has nothing to do with not being excited - in fact, I think I'd say it's the opposite. I've had so much fun just reveling in the idea of getting married, it's tough to motivate myself to do actual work. 

Especially when the "work" looks like this:

The word that comes to mind is ... "Daunting."

And trust me, I know it sounds like play, but some of it is downright WORK. 

In reality, I believe I've "completed" more than "14" (I hope. Dear God how I hope.) 

So in the true spirit of fun, I have decided to focus on this most pressing task this weekend:

Gulp. We've really put this one off. Which is ironic, considering how important said task is where we're tying the knot.

But, this box is an espeically crucial one to check off, so check off we will. Along with choosing our officiant comes the both deeply meaningful and deeply dreadful premarital counseling, known to us Catholics as pre-cana, aka the spilling of guts in order to make sure we are not only feeling love vibes but also that we don't have crazy different goals leading us to the mutual biting off of heads later in life.

A close girly friend of my tried to perk me up about this particularly non-glamorous (but important!!) task by encouraging me to "have fun with it." I liked this advice much in the way I like the idea of attempting to eat 10 salentine crackers in 1 minute - sounds easy, but can it be done?!

The whole fun bit got me thinking: People do this counseling stuff on the regular... wonder how the starlets of America (& not America) would stack up against the stiff, holy judgment? If I were the guy wearing the robe (or a guy in general), here's how my picks would grade.

5. Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie - C

Are these two for real, or do they just secretly wish Mr. & Mrs. Smith was constantly playing on loop? I vote the latter. Your kids are cute guys, but no amount of cuddly nuggets are going to keep your mugs off the tabloids.

4. Simba & Nala - A 

Girlfriend knows how to keep a dude in line. Even though these two rely on lyrical conversation in order to communicate, I'm giving them a straight up A.

3.  Prince William Arthur Philip Louis & Kate Middleton - C+

I understand it's beyond tempting to give these two high marks at first blush, but a seasoned pre-cana-er knows better. 
Let's face it, I think Kate tied the knot just so she could sell all of her clothes on ebay every time she wears something in public.

(This grade brought to you by complete and total princess jealousy.)

2. Simon & Tamra Barney (of The Real Housewives of OC) - B+

Don't be fooled by that nasty divorce! You know a couple's got a lot going for them when the only way to keep life interesting is to throw dog leashes at one another and get each other arrested for said dog leashing throwing. Keep up the good work, lovebirds!

1. Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola & Ronnie Ortiz-Magro of Jersey Shore - F

I'm sorry. There's just nothing I can say to justify anything above an F for these two, even as a joke... Once you throw your girlfriend's twin bed mattress onto an outdoor porch in rage and cry enough tears to collectively fill the Hoover Dam, I just think it's time to say "Sayonara!"  

Which Hollywood stars fail pre-cana the hardest? Raise your hand if you think JC & I will flunk! :)

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